So many things shift when you become a mother. Your heart, your perspective, your tolerance for noise…your waistline. Once that baby comes its all hands on deck and poof, your identity outside of being a parent becomes an afterthought. Suddenly, you’re strolling around with this little person on the outside instead of inside and pretty much every interaction you have with others is centered around said baby.
The first 3 months after Harris was born, I was filled with so many emotions - love, excitement, joy, but also frustration, resentment and a deep and radiating sense of loss. For no matter how books you read on becoming a parent, or how much thought you’ve given to it, absolutely nothing prepared me for how much I would miss the woman I was before I became a mom. The one who stayed up late drinking mezcal and reading into the pre-dawn hours. The one who went to dinner at 9, smoked the occasional Gauloise, fit into jeans and slept in. I would spend the time after Harris (finally) went to bed looking at myself, searching for a sign of recognition that sometimes came, but often was elusive. I felt pieced apart.
The woman who looked back at me couldn’t imagine going anywhere besides bed at 9 and wondered if she would ever see those pre-dawn hours again without having a baby attached to her boob.
But over time, pieces of pre-baby Myka came back and I felt beautiful and fully integrated again. The kind of beauty that comes from strength and accomplishment and knowing that despite all the challenges, I had made it through. Soon I found myself with no baby, but an almost 4 year old and I wondered where the time had gone.
My waistline was back, my tolerance for noise was (kind of) adjusted and my capacity for love had increased infinitely. I had a walking, singing, talking little person who no longer wore diapers and could ride a bike. The tether that had bound us for so long was lengthening and in that space I found myself again.
I moved to a new city, launched a new business and adjusted to single parenting. Over time the little one got bigger and so did my connection to myself. I found myself in the freedom that comes as your kid grows older. I started dating, working out, and fitting back into my jeans.
Now when I look in the mirror, the woman I see starting back at me possesses a different kind of beauty. The kind that stems from wisdom, comfort and equanimity. Sure there are a few more lines and sometimes (often) my fave jeans don’t fit, but what always fits is my sense of self and security in who I am and what could be more beautiful than that?
